so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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