My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
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