Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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