WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
