Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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