I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
