why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
