A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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