I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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