so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
