Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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