so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
