I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
