Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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