When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
