I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
