Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
