I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
