I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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