9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
