I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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