But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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