From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
