T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
