why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
