the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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