someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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