I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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