the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
