I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
When are your genitals available?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
