SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
