I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
