My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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