i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
PANTIES FOUND
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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