It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
