I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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