I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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