Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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