Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
