I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
