Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
