You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
