well you can't waste a boner
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
