haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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