Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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