My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
