The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
