I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
