i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
