Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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