oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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