She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
