I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
